


Sam's Comments on the Surviving Jack memo

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-24
Updated: 2006-03-24
Packaged: 2019-02-02 18:34:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12732015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Major Sam comments on Daniel's list of survival skills for all civilian personnel being commanded by Colonel Jack O'Neill in the field. Especially after he read the list of requirements Jack wrote about him.





	Sam's Comments on the Surviving Jack memo

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

DANIEL, HERE ARE MY COMMENTS TO YOUR DRAFT MEMO.- SAM

All of you have been asking me to provide you with a "Colonel Jack O'Neill For Dummies" manual for a while. 

I WANT ONE OF THOSE TOO.

To ease the frankly almost hysterical level of fear involving those scheduled for fieldwork with Jack, here it is. 

FEAR? THE COLONEL'S TOUGH TO WORK FOR, BUT FEAR? WUSSES!

Make sure you take notes, as this will also involve an hour lecture within a week after this manual is approved by the chain of command. The test will be as difficult as your dissertation defense.

HAD A SCARY THOUGHT THERE - A PHD THAT SPECIALIZES IN THE PSYCHOLOGY OF JACK O'NEILL. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE DISSERTATION DEFENSE?

1\. The first and absolutely top thing you must know to appease the walking legend that is Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, is this: Jack doesn't suffer fools gladly. Actually, Jack doesn't suffer anyone gladly, especially if that person involves a change in status. 

AWWW, HE LIKES SG-1, AND GENERAL HAMMOND, AND CASSIE AND JANET.

Jack is very set in his ways (kind of like a hippopotamus stuck in a mud wallow) and doesn't like changes in general.

WHOA! WHAT AN IMAGE THAT GIVES ME! THE COLONEL STUCK NAKED IN MUD POOL. HMMM, NOT BAD. ALRIGHT, I'LL BE GOOD. I CAN JUST SEE THOSE BABY BLUES OF YOURS LOOKING SADLY AT ME...

a. Don't assume that since Jack is a Colonel in the Air Force, he should understand your topic the way one of us would. 

BIG ASSUMPTION, BIG WRONG ASSUMPTION. IF I EVEN MENTION A WORD LIKE QUANTUM PHYSICS, HE LOOKS AT ME WITH THIS BLANK EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.

Yes, Air Force officers are required to get a Masters degree to be promoted to Colonel. Jack does have a Masters degree, in Astronomy, actually. 

HE DOES? HOW CAN YOU TELL THAT?

Follow this rule, and you should be okay. When you explain things to him, do it as you would if you wrote it in an "Archeology For Dummies" book. Or, even better, use Dr. Seuss-like sentences. 

OKAY, I HAVE TO TRY THIS. "THE STARGATE MAKES YOU INTO ENERGY, ON ANOTHER PLANET YOU LAND IN SYNERGY." HMMM, I GUESS I HAVE TO WORK ON THAT SKILL.

b. Jack isn't dumb, even though he acts like it a lot.

BOY DOES HE ACT DUMB A LOT. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU OR I DISCUSS SOMETHING ARCHAIC.

Be sure that you do have all the facts ready when you give the watered-down explanation. Just to throw you off, he's likely to ask an intelligent question that will make you think. 

BOY HAS HE CAUGHT ME WITH MY PANTS DOWN A FEW TIMES WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN THINK HE WAS LISTENING. OOOPS, DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY, DANIEL. DON'T KILL ME.

c. When it comes to combat situations, do exactly as the Colonel orders. He will keep you alive if you do. 

HE IS THE BEST.

I'm the only one who can get away with disobeying Jack, because he forgives me anything.

HE ALWAYS DID LIKE YOU BETTER, EVEN WHEN YOU WEREN'T YOU KNOW!

d. Don't take anything Jack says personally. Like I am always saying, he's just intimidated because you're way smarter than he is. Oh, and he resents you because you're not me. Don't worry about that, it's a Jack thing.

IT SURE IS. I'M GETTING TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE A GENIUS BARBIE, INSTEAD OF A COMPETENT AIR FORCE OFFICER AND SOLDIER. WHEN AM I GOING TO BECOME ONE OF THE GUYS?

2\. Your job when you are out with the military teams is to give them the benefit of your knowledge and to think outside the (extremely narrow) military box.

NOT ALL THE MILITARY, DANIEL. TAKE THAT BACK!

If you feel strongly about a situation, you need to firmly state your opinion. There is a time and place, however, to do this. Do not stop to state your opinion after the first shot has been fired. This annoys Jack.

YOU'VE DONE THAT A FEW TIMES, DANIEL. IT ANNOYED ME AS WELL.

Trust me, you don't want to see an annoyed Jack (yes, he does have other moods than annoyed, he just doesn't show them very often).

HE DOES?

When disagreeing with him, remember to keep your voice low and non- threatening (imagine that you are talking to an enraged pit-bull, that works for me when he's gone special ops on me).

I IMAGINE HE'S STANDING ON ONE LEG WITH HIS FINGER UP HIS NOSE. I'M NOT SURE WHY, BUT THAT IMAGE CALMS MY TEMPER IF I AM ANNOYED WITH HIM.

Be respectful. There is a big difference between "Colonel O'Neill, if you frown again like that at that priest, he will perceive it as a challenge to his authority and cut out your heart. I suggest you keep your eyes lowered as though respectful." And "O'Neill, for gods' sake, don't growl like that again, or we're all going to be missing our hearts. Act like a diplomat, not a Rottweiler for once." The latter comment will *not* go down well, I can tell you, no matter how true it is.

COME ON, DANIEL, DON'T YOU EVER GET THE URGE TO JUST TELL THE COLONEL SOMETHING LIKE THE LATTER COMMENT? I DO. DON'T YOU TELL HIM THAT, EITHER! 

3\. Related to item 2 above, remember that Jack does not do constructive criticism well.

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

4\. When Jack tells you to watch his six, that means to stay at his back and make sure no one sneaks up on you. That does not mean to admire O'Neill's butt. Even if it is a ten on a scale of five, keep your eyes off of it and on the area behind the two of you.

I'M TOO BUSY ADMIRING YOURS .

5\. If it is time to go, and you need a little more time to work at the site, these things work for me: I look at him from under my eyelashes and lick my lips. I sigh and look as though Santa Clause didn't leave me a present. Jack's a sucker numero uno for that one.

I JUST LOOK LONGINGLY AT HIM. THAT USUALLY WORKS IF HE'S IN A GOOD MOOD.

I ask Major Carter to back my request for more time. 

SO THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS ARE ASKING FOR MY OPINION. YOU RAT!

Jack sometimes listens to her.

NOT ALL THAT OFTEN. MOST TIMES I'M MAJOR BARBIE THE AIR FORCE BIMBO, IT SEEMS TO ME.

Oh, and use the carrot bait of possible alien technology being found if you get to stay. Do that sparely, though, and make sure that you can back it up. He is not dumb, and he's a master at seeing through lies.

IF YOU DO THIS AND DON'T MEAN IT, YOU WON'T JUST BE PISSING OFF THE COLONEL, DANIEL.

6\. Jack is Air Force Special Ops trained. That means that he knows many, many ways to kill people.

OH, PLEASE. HE'S A PUSSY CAT.

It also means that he's a good man to have protecting you in a firefight. What it doesn't mean is that he would make a cheap research assistant at a safe site. Do not ask him to sift dirt or hold your flashlight, or he might use his skills on you.

HOLD YOUR FLASHLIGHT? DID YOU MEAN THAT TO COME OUT WITH A DOUBLE ENTENDRE? I DON'T WANT HIM HOLDING MY FLASHLIGHT!

7\. Don't be surprised if Jack makes bad jokes at the worst times. It's his way of dealing with stress. You can pretend to be amused by them, which he'd like. Don't bother getting shocked by the tastelessness of most of them. It's just the way he is.

GOD IS HE TASTELESS AT TIMES. REMEMBER WHEN SHIFU CAME AND MADE THE COMMENT ABOUT THE WICK, AND THE COLONEL SAID THAT THING ABOUT BIG, LONG WICKS?

8\. To enhance your survival in the field, offer to cook when it is Jack's turn. If he insists on cooking, tell him you love MREs, and this is a good opportunity for you to try the ham and eggs (or whatever). He'll think you're weird, but he won't make you eat his cooking.

MY COOKING IS WORSE THAN HIS. WITH HIM, YOU JUST GET INDIGESTION. WITH ME, YOU COULD DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH BY BURNT MRE.

9\. Expect to be interrupted every fifteen minutes or less when you are surveying a site. The kind of questions will be things like, "What'cha doing?" or "What's that thingie there?". Jack isn't asking them because he's interested or because he wants an answer. He's asking them because he's bored.

THIS BEHAVIOR REALLY PISSES ME OFF. MAYBE WE SHOULD BRING ALONG SOME TOYS FOR THE COLONEL TO PLAY WITH WHILE WE WORK. HMMM. HE LIKES THOSE FLEXIBLE FIELD LIGHT STICKS, THE ONES HE WRAPS AROUND VARIOUS MEMBERS OF HIS ANATOMY. I'LL STOCK UP ON THOSE NEXT TRIP OUT.

Colonel Jack O'Neill gets bored easily. His attention span varies, but I'd say the average time you'll have before he gets bored and asks another pointless question is fifteen minutes. Get used to it. It's the way he is.

FIFTEEN MINUTES? I'D SAY ABOUT FIVE MINUTES IS MORE LIKE IT. 

10\. Try to arrange to share a tent with Major Carter or Teal'c if you can, rather than Jack. That's because Jack is a major snuggler. Even if he is dressed in full arctic gear and in a separate sleeping bag, somehow he will manage to end up in yours. If that happens, you'll have to deal with me when you get back. I don't share. Also, he snores. Loudly. He will blame you for the snoring in the morning.

DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT HIM MAKING THAT DUMB SIDEARM JOKE WHEN HE WAS CLOSE TO DYING IN ANTARCTICA? I WAS JUST TRYING TO SHARE BODY HEAT, REALLY. 

11\. Related to item ten above, Jack often suffers from a sensitive stomach in the field. Even though they are uncomfortable, if you end up sharing a tent with him, bring along an organic vapor filter respirator. You'll thank me for it, trust me.

BETTER YOU SHARING THE TENT THAN ME. HE LET ONE GO WHEN I DOUBLED WITH HIM ONCE, AND AS I HELD MY NOSE CLOSED, HE HAD THE NERVE TO SAY, "THE ONE WHO SMELT IT, DEALT IT!"

12\. Get up when Jack calls reveille in the morning. Don't ignore him and oversleep. He will pull the tent down around you.

YOU'LL NEVER LEARN THIS YOURSELF, CAUSE HE KEEPS DOING IT TO YOU. I THINK YOU LIKE IT!

13\. Colonel Jack O'Neill is difficult, grouchy, sarcastic, and rude.

HE SURE IS. THE RUDEST.

He is also brave to a fault, loyal, funny, and an honest-to-goodness hero.

HE'S THAT, TOO.

He never leaves a team member behind. He expects a lot out of you, but he will risk his life to keep you safe or to rescue you if the situation calls for it. Jack expects the best out of his team, and won't settle for less. If you don't plan to give it when you are out there on another world, then I suggest you resign now. Because if something happens to him due to your screw up, then you will have to deal with *me* when you get back. Trust me, you'd rather deal with Jack, any day.

I'D RATHER DEAL WITH THE COLONEL THAN YOU WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY, ANY DAY. YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT. I GUESS I'M LUCKY THAT YOU'VE MADE HIM SUSCEPTIBLE TO BLUE-EYES OR SOMETHING. I WOULDN'T WANT TO SERVE UNDER ANYONE ELSE BUT COLONEL JACK O'NEILL. WE'RE REALLY LUCKY TO HAVE HIM, THOUGH DON'T TELL HIM THAT, CAUSE HIS EGO IS ALREADY BIG ENOUGH.

MAJOR SAMANTHA CARTER, USAF


End file.
